|I fell from the sky,|
While trying to fly.
Nothing to grab hold,
Nor wings to unfold.
This journal that I have posted on this day is for no specific person. This is a diary entry on how I feel, perhaps for my future self to look back on. These words were kept inside me for so long they needed to come out.
Everything changes in time, time is inevitable therefore change is also. Change can be good as well as bad but like most things, it depends on who is witnessing the alteration take place. I can’t remember much about my childhood, but I know that I have transformed drastically. The past is what made me who I am today. I used to be ashamed of my past-self, of who I used to be, most people are no different. However, when you think about it, at least for my case, I changed into a human that I could be proud of more and more. I’m imperfect. I have made countless mistakes and will no doubt make many more, unfortunately it’s bound to happen. People make sure I am aware of my failures, they like to take the negative parts of my past and remember me only as someone who could have made better choices. They are not wrong, I admit I could have played many situations out differently, more wisely. However, I feel that if your past is completely errorless you have every right to judge but, you are human so I know all to well, that you are just as flawed as I am. You have made mistakes, you have made poor choices and I know from experience no one likes to be lectured about their past mistakes. There are too many things you can sit and regret, I have things I regret about this morning, but you look up. You try to be a better person today than yesterday and strive to be even greater tomorrow. All humans make mistakes, but you know, it’s okay! That’s why time is so important, so much can happen in just one hour. I am someone who has made so many mistakes and I’m still young. Don’t beat yourself up over something that happened, learn from it, grow from it and live in the now. Your past is important but it seems people focus on the painful memories rather than the good ones. There are people who have made the same mistakes as you.
I’m not going to apologize for who I was, mostly because I can’t do anything about that, it’s in the past. I won’t apologize if I don’t truly mean it. My past self helped me create who I am today. Don’t keep bitterness, anger, jealousy, fear and anxiety inside you for so long. You only hurt yourself by doing so, I’ve been there, I’ve done that. I wouldn’t lie and say I’ve never worried about anything. I was someone who would always assume the worst, someone who was afraid of so many things. I was someone who was afraid of fear itself. I have forgiven people who have wronged me when they didn’t ask for forgiveness, but I did that for myself. What good is it to hold grudges against people? It can’t be good for your health. It’s not easy I know, but try to live life with a smile. Life is short, make something of it! Show the world what you’re made of, show them what you can do. Take in all compliments and use that criticism to become greater. I was someone who was afraid of what people thought, I was afraid to show people my talents. I’m getting better everyday, I am trying to be a more confident person. I’ve always thought people with confidence almost seemed to glow. Confidence and arrogance are different, don’t be so proud you turn deaf to what others say. I still struggle with anxiety and other issues but most people wouldn’t even know that. I keep most things to myself. I haven’t found someone who is able to completely understand me but I won’t ever. I don’t even understand myself sometimes.
To everyone who has given me a small amount of their time, or a lot …thank you. If you’ve ever felt that I didn’t appreciate you or I shrugged off your words, you’re wrong. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I thank with all that I am. I will never forget what people have done for me. I will never forget the feeling of someone trying for me. I will never forget the silly things we laughed about or the small hello’s and smiles. Just because I don’t respond the way you had hoped doesn’t mean I’m not grateful, just because I don’t agree with what you say doesn’t mean I’m close minded. Just because I don’t start conversations doesn’t mean I don’t want to have them. Just because I hide behind other people doesn’t mean I don’t want to be seen. Just because I don’t cry in front of you doesn’t mean I don’t cry alone. Just because you feel pain from something, doesn’t mean I don’t feel it too. Everyone is different. We all react differently. My goal wasn’t to confuse anyone. I’m no good at expressing my self with my own voice, I like to type, to write things down. If you read this the whole way through, you are a wonderful person and I wish you the best for today, tomorrow and always.